Wednesday, February 2, 2011
1st paragraph
"Matt can you do anything after school today?" "Nope got to go to work today cam." Matt said in his cool but very calm voice. Matt was walking home to his house on a cold winter day. He put his IPod in his ears and the walk went by quickly with listening to music. The reason Matt said no to Cam was because he was already going to free skate with Drew. Cam could not skate so Matt would call him later and ask him to come, but he can't skate so he would make up an excuse anyway. When Matt got home we said "Hi mom." to his mom and hopped in her car and started to drive to Drew's house. Drew's house was on the other side of town so the ride took about twenty minutes. At 3:05 he got to Drew's house and that is when the fun begin.
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from thia: You have some proofreading you need to do; the beginning captures my attention because I find the character interesting; I think your sentence make up can be better. ex. "When Matt got home he said "Hi mom." to his mom and hopped in her car and st..." You don't need to say he said to his mom: bla,bla,bla then say “"yadi,yadi,yada" to his mom…” after you just said he said hi mom. The sentence structure is kind of simple and boring. I like how you leave a cliff hanger in the last sentence. Good luck with the story.
ReplyDeletefrom thia: I'm pretty sure you don't need me to tell you this but I'll say this just in case. Everytime a new character speaks you make what they said a seperate paragragh. And i want to add that there's a grammar issue with one of your dialogue quotes.
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